Top Myths About Boundaries
There’s so much information (and misinformation!) out there right now about boundaries, I thought I’d round up the top pieces of misinformation that I hear most frequently and shine some light on my perspective about the realities of boundaries and boundary setting. Read on to hear the top myths about boundaries, and their more realistic counterparts.
Myth #1: The goal of boundaries is to get other people to change their behavior.
Reality: A boundary is the line that separates what feels comfortable vs uncomfortable for you. Boundaries are most often talked about in terms of the relationships we have with other people and the way they treat us, but boundaries can apply to all sorts of things and situations - ranging from how you budget your time to whether or not you feel comfortable letting someone borrow your car. A boundary is going to be your guideline for when something stops feeling comfortable or safe for you. So the boundary isn’t about the other person or their behavior - the boundary is about you being able to advocate for yourself.
Reflection question: Am I able to identify my own boundaries? If not, I will check out the Boundaries Worksheet Package to get started on doing so. If I am able to identify my boundaries - how do I know when they’re being pushed or violated?
Myth #2: Boundaries are immediately understood, respected, and implemented.
Reality: It’s extremely common to experience pushback or resistance when you set a new boundary with a person or a group. If it’s something they haven’t experienced from you before, you’re disrupting the previously established relationship pattern - and it’s natural and instinctive for humans to push back against this kind of break from familiarity. So the question to ask yourself is this: are they trying to deliberately violate the boundary, or is the pushback happening because it’s a natural part of growing pains and the other person needs some time to get accustomed to the new boundary? If the first, you’re going to want to look at what your overarching boundaries are around the treatment you allow in your relationships. If the second, consider a) how important the boundary is to you and b) how much of a learning curve are you willing to tolerate?
Reflection question: How will I discern where to draw the line between someone needing time and support to adjust to my boundary versus them being unwilling or incapable of tolerating and respecting my boundary?
Myth #3: Boundaries only need to be communicated one time and don’t require maintenance.
Reality: It’s normal and natural for our boundaries to be pushed or crossed, even in the longest term and most intimate of relationships. If the other person truly cares about you and your wellbeing (not applying to toxic or abusive situations), they’re likely not deliberately trying to hurt you. It’s just that they’re not living your life - they’re living their’s. Which means they’re not going to be spending 24/7 thinking about you (nor should they!), so they may need occasional reminders about what does and doesn’t work for you. But if you’re new to the practice of setting boundaries, their lack of awareness can often seem like a personal attack. So try to remember that it’s not about if a boundary will be crossed - it’s about when. The important reflective work is about whether the relationship is able to support the communication and resolution of this in a healthy and respectful way.
Reflection question: How many of my current relationships are able to support me communicating when my boundaries have been pushed or violated? Which relationships do I not feel comfortable to do this in - and what about that person or group makes me feel like they would not welcome open discussion and resolution?
Myth 4: Boundaries have to be communicated aggressively in order to work.
Reality: You can be both clear and kind when you communicate your boundaries. A clear boundary without kindness may help you feel a sense of self-protection when setting it - but it doesn’t take into account how it lands with the other person. On the flip side, a kind boundary without clarity can leave a sense of murkiness and open the door for misunderstanding of the boundary, or even lack of awareness that you were setting a boundary. You want to aim for that combination of kindness and clarity, which allows you to speak your truth with clarity but also remember that you’re impacting another person at the same time.
Reflection question: Which comes easier to me - kindness or clarity? How can I start to build strength in my weaker area?
Myth 5: You should constantly be setting boundaries in all areas of your life.
Reality: Boundaries are a form of assertive communication, and assertive communication is WORK. It takes mental and emotional energy to engage in high-level reflection, self-awareness, and communication. In other words, boundaries use our resources. We’re not always going to have the capacity or resources to spend on boundary setting and assertive communication. Boundaries are an investment, and not every single person and situation in your life is deserving of that level of investment. So allow yourself to have discretion and discernment when it comes to what you’re spending your energy on.
Reflection question: What, who, and when does it make sense for me to spend my energetic resources on?
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If you want more on the topic of boundaries, you can check out the following resources:
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