How Do I Find the Right Therapist for Me?
I have a secret to share with you about therapists.
It's a doozy. Are you ready?
Ok, here we go...
Therapists are NOT perfect.
(I mean, no one is perfect. But therapists sure seem to get put on pedestals far more often than most. Get off of there, already!)
Therapists are human, too. We, too, have our problems. We, too, struggle with mental health issues. We, too, have our own therapists. These are truths that need to be acknowledged, appreciated, and applauded - because our humanness directly impacts whether or not we'll be the right fit for you as your therapist. And it is SO important that you find a therapist who is the right fit for you.
Want to know why? (Aside from the obvious, of course).
Because the research consistently shows, over and over again, the *number one* predictive factor for effective therapy is how you feel about your therapist.
In other words...
The way you feel about your therapist matters more than any single other factor when determining whether therapy will be effective for you.
It matters more than your therapist's years of experience. More than their level of education. Or the amount of trainings they've taken. The certifications they've received. Even more than the actual TYPE of therapy they provide. And yes, of course there is a lot of evidence to support that certain types of therapy are most effective at addressing certain types of issues. But as I encourage my supervisees to keep in mind, so I will share with you: a mental health professional's skillset is only as effective as their relationship with their client.
Many people end up spending hours, days, weeks, even years with a therapist only to walk away at the end feeling like they haven't actually made significant progress towards the goals that brought them to therapy in the first place. And that’s because a therapist can be the most technically skilled and educationally-trained professional on the planet…but if you don't feel comfortable with them, don't look forward to talking to them, or simply just don't LIKE them or feel like you click with them - they're probably not going to be the most effective therapist for you.
So, if you're considering whether a therapist is the right fit for you, here are some questions you can ask yourself after meeting with them. These can be used at any point in the therapeutic relationship -- whether it's after a brief initial phone consult, first session, or years into the relationship:
What does their overall vibe and personality style feel like? Is it matching the type of interpersonal style I'm looking for in a therapist? (i.e. Am I looking for someone who's more formal and traditional, or more casual and laid back? Do I want someone who has a more serene and soothing presence, or someone who's more energetic and expressive?)
Were there moments when the potential therapist said or did something that resonated with me -- without me explicitly having to ask for it? This is usually a good sign that there is some "shared knowledge" or compatibility between you and the therapist.
Do I feel like they "get" me (or at least, is there potential for it)? Did I get the sense that I can open up to this person and they'll be able to hold space for me? Were there moments when they shared their understanding of what I'm saying and what I'm needing, and I felt heard and understood? Or were there multiple moments when they shared their understanding, and I kept feeling like I needed to clarify myself?
Is the therapist able to provide effective treatment? What kind of therapeutic modalities and techniques will the therapist be using? Does the therapist seem to have an understanding of why I'm seeking therapy and what I'm hoping to gain from it? Do they seem to understand what my struggles are, how they're manifesting, and then be able to provide support that I can use to produce tangible results? Essentially, it boils down to: what's their plan -- and do I feel like it will be effective enough to warrant investing my time, money, and emotions.
Therapy takes work. It requires your time, your commitment, your motivation, your grit. Make sure you are choosing a worthy partner to engage in this process with you - remember, it is a privilege to work with you. Don't settle for less.
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If you want more on the topic of finding the right therapist, you can check out the following resources:
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